3 proven ways to ease social discomfort.

We’ve all experienced it.

We’re in a group of people, at work or in our private life - and suddenly, we start to feel a little uncomfortable. We might feel nervous, awkward, stressed, or whatever.

When this happens, a lot of people either run away or just shut down.

They go quiet, try to avoid direct interactions, and count the seconds for it all to be over.

Or they have another drink. And another. And another…

Of course, none of these strategies tend to be particularly helpful for ridding ourselves of these emotions or creating better connections.

So then, what do we do instead?

Well, at the core of it, our best option is to work on our social confidence and communication skills to minimize the amount of times this happens.

But while we’re working on those, it can be helpful to have a couple of tricks up our sleeves for dealing with these situations when they pop up.

So today, I want to share three simple things we can do when we feel socially uncomfortable.

Use one, two, or all three of these in combination and it usually won’t take long until your discomfort is greatly reduced – and maybe even completely eliminated.

1. Do a good deed.

A study¹ done in 2015 by Drs. Trew and Alden showed that socially anxious undergraduates who performed acts of kindness in social situations experienced a significant decrease in their desire to avoid social contact.

By simply doing something nice for someone else, they felt more at ease socially.

The trick is to look around for people or situations where you can do something nice or helpful. Whether it’s small or big, lasting or temporary, or noticed or unnoticed, doesn’t seem to make much difference.

The point isn’t for others to see you do the good deed and give you their approval, but for you to feel good about doing something you know was a nice thing to do. This will often lead to a slight boost in self-esteem, which tends to relieve stress.

2. Ask open-ended questions.

When we ask someone an open-ended question (where the answer won’t be a simple yes/no/maybe), a lot of positive things tend to happen.

The three most common ones are:

1. The people you’re talking to will do most of the talking when you ask good, open-ended questions. This gives you some breathing room and reduces any pressure you might feel about what you should say.
2. When we ask people about their lives, interests, expertise, experiences, and so on, they will often feel seen and respected. This will usually lead to them making an effort to show that same kind of respect in return, which can help us feel more comfortable with them.
3. Asking about things we genuinely want to know about people will also often lead to us discovering shared interests or experiences. This can help us feel more connected to them and distract us enough from our stressful thinking that we simply forget to be uncomfortable (see technique 3 for more on this).

In addition to all this, being good at asking great, intentional questions is an incredibly valuable communication skill to have. And if you want to learn more about that, check out this article.

3. Remind yourself of where your discomfort is really coming from.

If you’ve watched any of my confidence courses, you already know this one.

Your nervousness, awkwardness, stress, and so on aren’t actually coming from the situation you’re in or the people around you. It is coming from the thoughts you have about the situation or the people.

If you feel nervous, it’s because the sum of your conscious and unconscious thinking is primarily nervous thinking. And even though you can’t actually control these thoughts, this is incredibly important to keep in mind.

You see, if you think your discomfort is coming from the situation or the people around you, you’re telling your unconscious that the only way to become more comfortable is for the situation or the people to change - or for you to get away from them.

But when you realize that your discomfort is coming from your thoughts, all that needs to change is your thinking.

When we genuinely accept this, we encourage our unconscious mind to focus on other thoughts than the stress-inducing thoughts currently filling it up.

This won’t always cause an instant relief from the stress, but the more you practice this, the faster and more often it will happen.

Do you have any other tips that work for you? I’d love to hear about them in the comments!

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¹ Trew, J. L., & Alden, L. E. (2015). Kindness reduces avoidance goals in socially anxious individuals. Motivation and Emotion, 39(6), 892–907. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-015-9504-0