How to Connect With (almost) Anyone.

Human beings are social animals designed to want - even need - connections.

But if we all want it, why is it sometimes so hard to figure out a way to create it?

Ignoring, for now, the fact that some people in some settings don't want any new connections, you'd think that achieving something humans crave by nature should be simple, right?

Well, the most common reason why people tend to get stuck in superficial conversations is this:

Their conversations tend to focus on surface-level topics.

Once we learn to go beyond that, all that's required in order to connect with someone is that we're both open to that connection.

What are surface-level topics?

The simplest definition is that surface-level topics are about things that are general and somewhat impersonal.

It's not about the person, their thoughts, ideas, motivations, or similar. It's about the general concept of a topic - even when the reason we're talking about it is related to the person we're talking to.

When meeting a musician, for example, surface-level topics include things like music, playing instruments, and the music industry.

And when meeting a programmer, they include coding, technology, software, and similar.

Now, if we both happen to be interested in these topics, there’s nothing wrong with discussing them. But even in those cases, the conversation will often remain superficial, and we might miss an opportunity to make a personal connection.

Luckily, there’s a very powerful communication technique that we can use to dive beyond the surface and connect with the person behind the facts. And the great thing about it is that it doesn't even require us to share an interest in the same surface-level topics.

The trick is to shift the focus from surface-level topics to emotional drivers.

Finding and understanding emotional drivers.

Emotional drivers are the underlying feelings and desires that drive people to do the things they do.

They are the motivations, inspirations, and emotional reasons behind their surface-level choices and actions. And crafting a conversation around these kinds of topics is what I call the Genuine Interest Technique.

If you, for example, meet someone who does ice-sculpting in their free time, a genuine interest conversation wouldn't focus on the ins and outs of shaping ice.

It would focus on the emotional drivers behind their ice-sculpting passion. Things like:

• What first inspired them to start.
• What motivates them to keep doing it.
• What they find most rewarding about it in their day-to-day.
• What their favorite ice-sculpting memories are, and why they’re the favorites.
• And so on…

Even if you have zero interest in ice sculpting, these conversations can be genuinely interesting and connecting.

After all, you're not really talking about shaping ice.

You’re talking about the other person and their fundamental human experiences and desires.

How emotional drivers help us connect genuinely.

The best part of this technique is that it rarely matters which surface-level topics serve as the backdrop for genuine interest conversations.

You see, although the actual things we do might be very different - we all tend to have very similar reasons for why we do them.

Deep down, most humans long for the same fundamental emotional experiences, such as joy, peace, security, a sense of accomplishment, belonging, excitement, and so on. We just use different tools, methods, or strategies to experience them.

This means that you’re likely to find that you have a lot in common with most people the moment you go beyond surface-level conversations and start exploring their underlying motivations and inspirations.

So, a musician and a programmer might discover that what drives both of them in their work is their love for creating things that others might enjoy.

And a teacher who gets a sense of accomplishment from their job might identify with a garden hobbyist who talks about how accomplished a beautiful garden makes them feel.

Even though these people might not find the other person’s job or hobby very interesting, discussing the emotional drivers behind those things can spark a genuine sense of connection.

Think of it like discussing traveling: You don't have to share knowledge of specific cities and countries to have an engaging conversation about the experience of exploring new places.

How to practice the genuine interest technique.

Like any communication skill, getting good at creating genuine interest conversations can take a bit of practice.

A good exercise is to memorize a few generic genuine interest questions (see the bullet point list above) and practice asking them in as many conversations as you can with family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances - even people you've just met.

Your goal isn't to repeat the exact same conversation every time but to get used to these types of conversations.

Once you are, you'll likely find that coming up with spontaneous genuine-interest questions becomes easier and easier - until they become as natural for you as any other type of question.

This will help you create genuine connections with a much wider variety of people from almost any field, background, experience, and so on.

And that diversity of thought and experience isn’t just likely to be interesting - but also very educational and inspiring.

Want to learn more communication techniques like these? Check out this course I made, which is full of them!