Changing the topic in group conversations.

Group conversations can introduce us to new insights, strengthen relationships, and create meaningful connections.

But they can also be challenging, and a common issue many face is what to do when the conversation is about something they have little knowledge of or interest in.

When that happens, many end up being quiet and feeling awkward, or politely withdrawing from the conversation. But neither strategy is ideal, since they lead to us missing out on opportunities to connect.

If the topic is something we're open to learning about, one solution is to ask questions to help us understand it better. Most people love being asked to talk about their interests and will be happy to fill us in.

However, this isn't great for topics we simply have no interest in learning about. If we get caught pretending, we’ll likely seem dishonest and damage the relationship.

So when we have no interest in the topic, the better strategy is to change it. But how do we best do that, without being rude?

Changing topics in casual conversation is not rude.

If someone is baring their soul or sharing something personal, changing the topic before they’ve finished can be rude. But in most casual group conversations, it’s actually ruder of others not to change the topic when it makes someone feel left out.

It’s natural that people have some interests that overlap and some that don't. And focusing most of most group conversations on the interests people share is common courtesy.

That said, if others aren’t aware of our disinterest in a topic—or even if they just temporarily forget—it’s up to us to take the initiative to change it, even if we weren’t the ones to bring it up.

To do that, we should take a moment to think of a topic we know or believe that everyone there might have an interest in, and make the switch. And while there are no universal rules for how to make that switch, there are two simple strategies that tend to be very effective.

Strategy 1: Covertly changing the topic.

To covertly change the topic, we simply have to make statements or ask questions that are likely to lead the conversation toward our new subject. The best way to do this is usually to pick a topic that is somehow slightly related.

If someone, for example, starts talking about the football game they watched over the weekend—and you have no interest in football—you might ask what else they did that weekend, or whether they also caught that current local event that was going on, or similar.

In a group of caring and attentive people, pretty much anyone can change the topic with this strategy, since comments tend to be treated equally regardless of who makes them. This strategy works best with groups like these.

In more hierarchical groups—where specific social leaders tend to determine the conversation topic—we have to make sure we’re assertive and clear when we speak up, in order to draw the group's attention and signal that we're taking over the lead.

Strategy 2: Overtly changing the topic.

This strategy works equally well in both types of groups.

All we have to do is—politely and respectfully—let the group know that this isn’t an interest we have much knowledge about or interest in, and suggest or ask for a different topic.

(Again, it’s a good idea to have a topic in mind that we think everyone there will be interested in, since it will often be up to us to choose what to talk about next.)

When we use this strategy, it's helpful to express ourselves with a smile or a little laugh—and maybe even some light self-deprecating humor—and frame it as a question rather than a demand. So if I’m in a group conversation about baseball, I might smile and say something like:

“Guys, I understand that you all love this national sport of yours, but to my Norwegian brain, this all sounds like gibberish, so I feel a bit lost here. If you’re open to it, I’d love to change the topic to X?”

It really doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Unfortunately, though, many people hesitate to use this strategy because they don't want to seem uninformed, rude, uninteresting, or whatever. But the people who worry about this fail to consider how they would react if someone made a similar request to them.

The vast majority of mature people would value the opportunity to include that “lost” person by talking about something else, and might even feel a little bad for unintentionally excluding them in the first place.

And if they’re the kind of person who doesn’t want everyone in a group to feel included in a conversation, they’re likely not the kind of person we should want to spend a lot of time talking to anyway.

Now, if you’re not used to doing this, you might feel some short-term discomfort (stress, nervousness, even embarrassment) the first few times you do it. But that’s a small price to pay for a lifelong ability to guide group conversations to places of deeper connections for you and everyone in them.

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Want to learn more about assertive communication? Check out my “Becoming Assertive” course on LinkedIn for free at assertive.tjswebsite.com