Adaptable communication - a crucial skill for social mastery.

Although adaptable communication it isn’t a very hard skill to master, if we want its full effect - there are a few fundamental principles that we have to understand.

But firstly, what is it?

Well, adaptable communication simply means adapting our tone and communication style to better suit various situations, people, or goals.

Oversimplified, it’s about expressing ourselves differently when we give a presentation at work and when we tell a bedtime story to a child.

And although that should be obvious to pretty much everyone, the true power of adaptable communication lies in less obvious situations.  

When we apply this technique to situations where most people don’t, we’ll have a significant advantage—whether we’re discussing, negotiating, teaching, storytelling, sharing, or most other things.

By being conscious of which words we use and modifying our tone, pace, and demeanor to the circumstances, we can ensure that our words have the kind of impact we want them to.

So, let’s talk about the three fundamental things we need to do to master this.

1. Learn to Identify the Need for Adaptation

The most important thing, of course, is that we recognize when it is a good idea to adapt our communication to the circumstances.

Although some situations, like the example above, are very obvious, many situations aren’t - until we start to look for them.

And there are two ways we can get great at identifying these situations fairly quickly.

Pause, Think, Experiment.

Make it a habit to think about upcoming conversations and consider whether a different communication style than your usual one could be helpful.

If the answer is a clear yes, that’s great! Go ahead and practice the way you feel will work better.

If you’re not sure, that’s also great! It means you have a chance to discover and learn something new.

Make slight adjustments to how you usually express yourself and see how it works out.

Repeat this a few times in similar situations, and soon enough, you’ll start to get a good feel for whether a change from your normal style of communication is a good idea.

Keep in mind that when you start doing this, you might feel some insecurity or nerves. That’s ok. That’s just you exiting your comfort zone to learn and grow.

Observe other great communicators.

When you see someone who is communicating very well in a specific situation - pay attention. Not just to what they’re saying but how they’re saying it.

Study their tone, volume, pace, and body language. And most importantly, pay attention to how those things vary.

Great communication is (almost) never monotone. It varies, sometimes from moment to moment, even when it follows a specific style of communication - whether that’s warm and empathic, assertive, curious, playful, and so on.

That said, keep in mind that your goal isn’t to copy their communication style - but to find your personal flavor of it.

2. Find Your Flavor of the Various Communication Styles

Adapting your communication to the situation isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not - it's about using the various styles of communication in the ways that are right for you.

So instead of, for example, copying your friend’s assertive communication style, learn the fundamentals and mindsets of assertive communication and practice using them in the ways that are right for you.

This might require a little more effort than just copying someone else, but it will be far more genuine and a lot easier to master since it doesn't require you to act out of character.

It will also tend to be far more impactful since the people around you are likely to feel like it’s congruent with who you are, which will make them trust what you say more.

3. Practice Your Communication Styles

Like any skill, mastering different communication styles comes down to practice. And practicing should usually start with ...

Constructive reflection.

Get into the habit of reflecting on your conversations after you’ve had them.

Just remember that it's important to keep your reflection constructive and not destructive.

This isn’t an excuse to beat yourself up for not communicating perfectly, so don’t over-analyze, self-criticize, or anything similarly destructive.

Simply give some thought to how you communicated and how it likely impacted the conversation.

If you felt like you didn’t have the impact you wanted, take some time to think about how you could’ve communicated differently. Anything that sounds like it might’ve had a better overall effect is a good thing to practice.

This reflection exercise will also improve your ability to recognize in real-time which type of communication will work best, and enable you to more often pick the right one in the moment.

Practical practice.

In the end, though, the most important thing is to practice your various styles of communication.

And this is the kind of thing you can, and should, practice both in conversations with others and when you’re alone.

Practicing on your own is as simple as talking to yourself (or your pets, plants, or whatever) and consciously choosing whether to express yourself assertively, empathetically, curiously, and so on.

A simple way to do this is to imagine that you’re speaking in a specific situation or to a particular (type of) person - and choosing the style you think would be most impactful.

If you’re not the kind of person who usually talks to yourself, this might feel strange at first. But do it anyway. It’s a great shortcut that’ll give you a lot of practice with using your voice and body language in various ways.

Practicing with others is, of course, all about deciding how you want to express yourself in a specific conversation and then doing that as well as you can.

And if that sounds too uncomfortable at first, feel free to start practicing with people that you’re already comfortable with and/or when you don’t have more than a few sentences to say.

The more you practice, the faster you’ll master your personal flavors of the various communication styles.

In the end, mastering adaptable communication is an ongoing journey, and none of us do it perfectly every time.

But keep at it, and continue to look for opportunities to learn and practice.

Because whether you're aiming to build stronger personal relationships, lead a team effectively, deliver a powerful presentation, or whatever else, the ability to choose the communication style that will give you the best results will be invaluable.